Now on Spotify: "I'm Allowed To" (release!)

And all your preferred streaming/digital music services

Hi everyone,

This week, I did a thing that’s been three years in the making: I released one of my songs on streaming services. 🙏

Apple Music | Spotify | YouTube Music

You might remember a version of this song, previously called “You’re Allowed To.” There was the first demo, and the beautiful production support of Jonathan Anderson in the studio last spring break. But that’s not the version that I’m sharing.

I realized after sitting with this song for a long while that the use of the word “you” was very external-facing. When I say “you’re allowed to,” who am I addressed? It seemed to be expressing a longing for someone out there to take up their own agency, reclaim their autonomy, live their own story. But how can that be imposed on someone else? It can’t be commanded, it can only be invited — but first it must be lived.

The use of the word “I,” then, is a shift to owning my own story and agency and autonomy.

The shift to more stripped-down, piano-only accompaniment and messy home production is a purposeful resistance of perfection. This is not about polish or performance. This is merely presence. This is song from the heart and the home.

The truth underneath this song has been a hard-fought, long journey. It took me a long while to notice that through my lifetime, certain thoughts were labelled unthinkable, certain choices unchoosable, certain pathways unwalkable. And through the past years, I have wrestled with reclaiming those choices, pathways, thoughts.

It has led to massive change; from a shift of what communities I spend my time supporting, to choosing to start my own business, to choosing to launch this Substack, to a new wholeness in my relationships. Each of these are represented by an internal effort of overcoming massive amounts of fear, and choosing to follow a sense of personal purpose anyway, despite the high cost.

On Sunday night this past week, as daylight savings time took over our clocks, my partner Kendra was up late undertaking a repainting project. I took the space to record new piano and vocals for the new version of “I”m Allowed To.” I wanted the energy and realness of unrehearsed, unpolished single takes.

I realized as the words left my mouth that this time, it felt different than when I first sang this as “You’re Allowed To.” The song use to be aspirational. Now it’s a song of gratitude and celebration. What use to be a longing, one-day, maybe, possibly, yearning hope for freedom, has now come home to a song of acknowledgement and acceptance of the truth I live.

On Tuesday, a friend was visiting our house, and we got to chatting. I learned their own story, of finally making the difficult decision to leave an abusive partner. What kept them in this damaging relationship for so long? The sense they that were not allowed to contemplate alternatives. In fact, they expressed, the fear of community disapproval or religious judgement felt more dangerous than the actual danger they faced in their abusive relationship, and made them willing to endure. That’s a deeply-felt sense of entrapment; it’s dogmatic thought-imprisonment.

In that moment, I played our visitor my draft song. While our kids played and sounds conflicted, still in the quiet, this song spoke between hearts and made a connection.

I realized the time had come. I fled upstairs to my office/studio, in the minutes before my next meeting, I took the steps to release this version on streaming platforms, as-is. The photography and artwork and production, the endless possibility of perfecting and recording, all of that can wait. There remain, to this day, intense situations of suffering and pain were human beings are not able to inhabit their actual selves and stories because of externally-conditioned forces that have colonized their hearts and assumed ownership of their own minds. There are humans making hard choices to break free of this abuse. And this is hard, worthy, important work.

And so while I clearly have a hope that you, too, are allowed to the freedom to live life like you, it can only start with me. I’m allowed to.

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Additional Resources
I previously viewed this song as being primarily a statement speaking back to purity culture. And for that, my counsellor had asked me for a list of purity culture readings/resources that he could share with our clients — this is what I collected. But beyond purity culture, autonomy and selfhood is stolen every day through any conditioning that removes personal choice by use of threat, conditioning or fear. This is social and systemic, passed on through societal conditioning, and this is common in religious abuse — where spiritual teachings are handed down as unquestionable. While research is newer into the effects of this, many folks are exploring the impact of religious trauma; notably Dr. Brian Peck and Dr. Laura Anderson, who have co-created the Religious Trauma Institute.

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Lyrics

I’m allowed to see beauty with both of my eyes

I’m allowed to have feelings, as feelings arise

I’m allowed to imagine inside of my mind

I’m allowed to, I’m allowed to, I’m allowed to,

I’m fine.

I’m allowed to make choices, I don’t need a sign

And I don’t need to colour inside of the lines

I’m allowed to live like me, as long I’m alive

I’m allowed to, I’m allowed to, I’m allowed to,

I’m mine

And when I consider the teachers I’ve had

Who said I was broken, and said I was bad

I’m allowed to be angry, I’m allowed to get mad

I’m allowed to, I’m allowed to, I’m allowed to,

It’s sad.

I’m allowed in my body, the place where I dwell 

I’m allowed to be whole, not a hollowed-out shell

I’m allowed to live freely, without fear of hell

I’m allowed to, I’m allowed to, I’m allowed to,

Be well.

I’m allowed to ask questions of all my beliefs.,

I’m allowed to surrender the ones I don’t need

I’m allowed to let go, let them fall like a leaf

I’m allowed to…

Release.

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Apple Music | Spotify | YouTube Music

Thanks for listening,

Kevan

PS - If you’re a person who shares songs with friends or on social media, you’re welcome to do so. But also, a song like this is personal to me, and it’s okay if it’s personal to you too. Let it sit with you. If it hurts, maybe ask yourself what it’s bumping into inside you. I know it took me many years to be able to write this song, years to get the courage to share it, another year to get it to this spot, and I don’t expect this kind of processing to be quick work, public work or fun work. So it’s okay if that work takes place offline, in quietness, in conversation, in relationship.

And hey, if this song doesn’t connect with you or your journey…🤷…cool! Be well.